Terra's Story, From Addiction to Recovery

It was nearly midnight on a Saturday in late July.

Terra Carbert was at a casino waiting for the clock to strike twelve, ushering in a new day and the long-awaited free play that only comes with a club card.

Terra had already gambled her way through an entire paycheck that night, and instead of going home, she decided to wait for the free money, hoping her luck would turn around.

“It was just five bucks,” Terra said, shaking her head.

“I put it in the machine, and I started playing just one nickel at a time."

"I was hoping that one nickel would somehow turn into a win large enough to make up for what I’d already lost.”

At that moment, Terra, whose car was in the parking lot, nearly on empty, realized that she’d become the woman she’d encountered outside the casino just five years ago. Terra recalled the desperation on the woman’s face as she asked people for a few bucks to get home, admitting she’d spent her whole paycheck and didn’t have the money for a cab.

“That’s when I knew that I had to be done,” Terra said.

Hear Terra tell her story.

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For nearly two years, Terra knew her gambling was becoming a problem.

Terra started skipping social gatherings to go to the casino all by herself.

She’d borrow money from friends, telling lies along the way to fuel her gambling problem. But it was never enough.

Terra would go to the casino with a set amount of money, spend it all and then decide that she was at the wrong casino. She’d then go from one casino to the next, even putting herself in danger to gamble.

“Not everybody goes 24 hours without any sleep, without a lot of food just to keep gambling,” Terra added, looking back on the days when gambling consumed her.

She’d tried to control her gambling —

lowering the cash advance limit on her debit card,

freezing her credit cards,

but as Terra fell deeper in debt,

it became more difficult to see a clear way out.

Chapter 2

Looking Back: How it started

Starting Young

At a young age, Terra was her grandpa’s little sidekick, tagging along as he played poker, cribbage and blackjack at the VFW with his war buddies.

By the time she was nine, Terra had learned the ropes and had already tried her hand at counting cards and playing poker.

“It was kind of a bonding thing for me and my grandpa to just hang out and play,” Terra said with a smile, fondly remembering those treasured moments.

But what started innocently enough became what Terra now identifies as a form of escapism she used when faced with unsurmountable loss.

As a teenager,

Terra learned that her biological father committed suicide when she was 3 years old.

Not long after finding this out, in the fall of 1991, her beloved grandfather died.

Then, ten years later, in May 2001,

Terra’s mom was diagnosed with cancer. Toward the end of her mother’s battle, Terra started going on more frequent weekend binges.

A photo of Terra's mom holding her as a baby

“I would say my gambling began to accelerate at that point and ultimately became a problem in that window of my life,” she said.

Terra and a friend had started going to the casino regularly and partying all night, all while playing high stakes slot machines and entering poker and blackjack tournaments.

As a mom and college student at the time, Terra said she felt like she was living in two separate worlds.

“All this pressure would build-up, and so on the weekends, when I wasn’t in charge of anything, it was this great way to go blow off steam or escape,” Terra said.

After cashing out a 401K and racking up tens of thousands of dollars of debt, one of her friends finally asked, “What are you doing? You know, you’re the one who’s going to make it — you’re in college.”

That was a sobering moment for Terra.

Those words struck a chord with Terra, shifting her focus from habitual gambling to work and school, all while giving her the time to become more active at church.

“I had been gambling with one particular friend a lot at that time, and so I just stopped hanging out with her, and I stopped gambling,” she recalled. “My relationship with gambling then just kind of ended quickly.”

But nine years after her mom’s death, tragedy struck again — in May 2010, Terra was faced with losing her grandmother.

One of Terra’s fondest memories with her grandma was playing slots together when she visited from Denver. So, after she died, Terra felt a sense of peace at the casino.

“It’s like she was there with me, or if I went to a blackjack table, I’d feel like maybe grandpa was there with me,” she explained.

Now, looking back, Terra realizes she was never really taught healthy coping mechanisms, and the only thing she knew to do was look for an escape. Her escape was gambling.

“No one ever taught me how to deal with those emotions,” she explained. “How do you let yourself just be sad?”

Terra’s relationship with gambling gradually continued to intensify every time something difficult happened in her life that she didn’t know how to deal with.

A photo of Terra as a child with her step-dad.

Her gambling spiraled further out of control in May 2011, when Terra and her sister found her stepfather dead in his home, compounding the grief she had yet to confront.

“I thought gambling was the answer, not consciously, but I think my brain began to rely on having this place to, I don’t know … get out of my head,” she said.

So rather than confront all these emotions that were building up below the surface, she used gambling to make the sadness, the grief, the loneliness, the emptiness, the anger and the fear all disappear.

- From Terra's journal

“I’d play certain games based on how I wanted to feel,” Terra said. “So if I didn’t want to feel, I might play something trance-like, like a slot machine or a video poker. But if I was bored and maybe wanted to be excited, I might pick blackjack and shoot the breeze with complete strangers at the table.”

Terra’s gambling problem accelerated, and her bottled-up emotions compounded, eventually reaching a fever pitch that fateful night when she finally realized she’d become like someone she’d judged just years earlier.

That night, shrouded in the darkness of her thoughts, Terra said she remembered thinking about driving into the lake across the street from the casino.

The only thing that stopped her was her son. The thought of having her son struggle with the same emotions she was faced with after discovering her biological father committed suicide was unbearable.

“One of the biggest things I struggled with in my teen years was thinking that I wasn’t enough; that I wasn’t enough for him to stay,” she said. “I didn’t want that for my son.”

An entry from Terra's journal –I was overwhelmed with feelings that I had really messed up as a mom when Clay was young. I called to tell him sorry. He said he never felt that way. It was nice to know that.

So, at that moment, Terra made the decision to keep her promise to her son — to be there for him and help him through college.

“That’s when I knew that I had to be done,” she said.

Chapter 3

In Pursuit of Recovery

After making the decision to stop gambling that pivotal night, Terra’s first step was finding support — one person at a time, starting with her older brother.

Bravely setting shame and uncertainty aside, she opened up to her brother about her struggle with gambling and shared her desire to get better while he listened and guided her with empathy.

“He was so compassionate and kind and loving,” Terra said. Next, he talked about taking small steps toward stability. “What’s your plan? How are you going to deal with this?” he asked.

Terra was familiar with the 12-Step program for gambling and had heard of the process working for other people who were recovering from problem gambling. Starting with a simple online search for meetings, Terra was happy to find one just down the street that she could attend two days later at a time that worked for her.

“I went to meetings every day that first week, and I met the second day what I would now call my home group. I’d never felt so understood,” Terra shared with a smile.

Having been in her shoes, the group offered Terra immediate comfort and support. Seeing an equal number of men and women in attendance and other women her age laughing and smiling reminded her that things could truly get better. Even though gambling had felt like a hidden, isolating problem, she quickly realized she was not alone.

“It gave me hope, hearing them tell their stories of how they gambled, why they gambled, the consequences of their gambling, the losses of relationships and jobs, the commission of crime …” Terra said. “I knew that in that space, there was no judgment. They were so freely telling their stories.”

Listen to Terra speak on recovery.

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Along with honesty and inclusivity, this community shared resources Terra could use right away.

The first one she began using was called the yellow combo book, which is used as a guide in weekly meetings and was written by someone who Terra could tell understood her.

It has 20 questions in the back that can also be used as journal prompts. These opened the door to a new type of self-reflection, giving her the chance to be honest with herself about her challenges so that she could heal.

“Writing those 20 questions in thorough detail was one of the most helpful things that I could do to accept that I was actually a problem gambler, a compulsive gambler,” Terra said.

Slowly but surely, Terra began making progress with continued meetings and small steps in the right direction. Terra confided in and relied on her sister, who oversaw her finances and provided support throughout her recovery.

“[She] helped with being kind of the overseer, if you will, or just an accountability partner around my finances,” Terra explained. “Handing visibility of my accounts to her, knowing that somebody was going to be looking at how I spent my money, was really helpful.”

“I bought a prepaid debit card for groceries and gas. I think for the first 30 days, that was how I paid for life — no access to cash, and I needed that,” Terra added. “Giving [my sister] my cards made it so that I couldn't go get cash. She had my ID too. So it's not like I could walk in the bank and take it out, and that was really helpful.”

With excellent support and daily commitment, recovery has become possible for Terra, though the journey isn’t linear, and some days can still be difficult.

She credits her toolbox for keeping her on track, with several go-to strategies that she calls her three-legged support stool.

“I need my meetings and time in fellowship with the people from that meeting, and my sponsor conversations,” said Terra.

“I need therapy sometimes, sometimes I don’t, but I know now to call a therapist, and I need coaching. Those three things keep me in recovery.”

Chapter 4

Maintaining Recovery

Today, Terra lives a balanced life she feels good about, inspiring and empowering others to do the same — no matter their past.

“I haven't placed a bet on anything but myself since July of 2016," Terra stated, while acknowledging there were minor setbacks that led to her arrival at that point.

Fully accepting her problem gambling means she no longer feels stigma and shame.

Instead, she views gambling disorder as a mental health condition that needs regular care and attention. Through recovery, she knows what risks to look out for and can see things that need to be addressed before they become problems — an approach that has paid off.

“There's so many ways my life has changed,” Terra said. “I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I can be alone now with my thoughts and not feel like I need to run away. I made a decision to quit my corporate life and start my own business.”

An entry from Terra's journal – I'm on this huge transformation journey. I see positive changes and then what? I'm going to give up? A little voice in my head, "Don't give up."

While problem gambling isn’t uncommon, recovery is certainly possible. Terra’s success story is just one of many. If you’re struggling with gambling, know that you’re not alone and you don’t need to be ashamed. Help and resources are closer than you may realize, and available in many convenient forms.

Learn more & Find Help

Terra’s podcast, “Ambitious Addicts,” offers valuable information and encouragement from a voice who’s been in listeners’ shoes.

Running Toward Your Goals

Emotional Acceptance in Recovery

Gambling Addiction - A Women's Roundtable

“I thought I could create a podcast that does a couple of things,” Terra said.

“One, gives a little bit of inspiration or hope that you can — despite your history — go on to have an amazing life. I do some interviews with people that have lived experience, people from all walks of life… and all pathways to recovery. It started just to help people know that no matter your past, you are worthy and deserving of the life that you dream of living.”

Hear More

Anonymous group meetings like the one Terra attended offer another form of support, with in-person and virtual options so you can connect with others in a way that’s both accessible and comfortable. Online meetings make it easy to prioritize support even with a busy schedule.

Terra also recommends journaling, watching YouTube videos, and reading books and positive quotes to adopt the mindset that help is out there, and healing is possible. In-patient treatment and counselors who are trained in treating problem gambling can also help turn things around.

Public Person

Private Problem

Active addiction & Realization

It was nearly midnight on a Saturday in late July.

“It was just five bucks,” Terra said, shaking her head.

“I put it in the machine, and I started playing just one nickel at a time."

“I put it in the machine, and I started playing just one nickel at a time."

"I was hoping that one nickel would somehow turn into a win large enough to make up for what I’d already lost.”

Hear Terra tell her story.